Recently, we just added a bereaved couple’s story to our website. It can be found on our home page as well as the Remembrance page. The story is about a family losing their Noah 18 weeks into their pregnancy. One of the first words this bereaved wife says to her bereaved husband upon learning that their son has died is, “I am sorry.”
As a woman, we are taught that we have this God-given gift to bear children. So when that does not happen as we thought or planned, it can be quite devastating. Why can’t my body do this? Why am I not having children? One night I went onto the Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope website, and I was so saddened to read about many women whom have had numerous losses without living children here. How could this happen? How can this happen? Especially in this day and age.
When we are children, women more than men, dream about what they will do when they grow up, but more so, how many children they will have. We have these dreams that are pure and untouched because we think that women just have babies. That it is something, as I said, we are given. God granted us this privilege, or so we think. Men, I believe, dream about what they will be and do when they grow up. And maybe even who they will work for someday.
As my husband and I drove home from a reproductive specialist’s appointment the other day, a thought occurred to me again. I said, “It’s hard because as a woman, you are supposed to be able to bear children easily, or so I thought. Thank God we have Matthew and Ryan here. But, we have lost two babies in our second trimester, still without a for sure reason as to why it keeps happening. As a man, you provide and protect your family. As a woman, you bear the children. That may sound old fashioned, but those are the ideas that are presented to us early on.” I continued on with, “Though very different, it would be like a man, going after a job for his family. Wanting it so bad for his family. Feeling very qualified and able to do it. And to keep getting turned down. But never knowing what he did and did not do to not get it, so he could change something.” I told my husband that that was what I felt. I keep losing our babies in our second trimester, but I don’t even know what I could do differently. It is frustrating to say the least.
I relate with the bereaved mother’s words of “I am sorry”. That is how I felt and feel sometimes. We think, “Why did my body fail?” “What didn’t I do?” “What could I have done differently?” As I said in a previous entry, I always dreamt of having four children here. I sometimes think that it is a blessing that my husband did not have this vision. Or else I would have felt that I failed him. That pressure. That I let him down even more.
I really do not have an answer. Why some women are not granted this so-called God given gift of bearing children. It seems so unfair. With the world we live in today, and the great lengths we have gone to research things, you would think it would have been figured out. I was even more perplexed when we went as a family on a vacation the other week. We went to this outdoor safari and the tour guide was telling us of a story how one type of animal was impregnated (by humans) with another type of animal’s embryo. And that their efforts saved this animals population. I thought, “How can this be? And I keep losing babies?” Is more research necessary and warranted? Something to think about. I think that it is wonderful that we are trying to save animals. But how about saving humans? Is there enough being done? I really do not know.
For women out there that have wondered these questions, you are not alone. I think that it is normal to have these thoughts and feelings. And sometimes, there are not answers. At least not for now. Although, I hope some day, there are.