I really do not cry openly during a given day. Maybe I am so busy with life that I do not realize the sadness that is there. I mean, I know it is there, but I do not shed tears endlessly during the daytime hours. I will say two times that those teardrops roll down my cheeks. At the cemetery while visiting Emily and Michael, or at night. For whatever reason, after the hustle and bustle of a day, time stands still. The quietness of the night. And it leaves me to think more about our babies. Those are the times when I cry most.
I have had my individual counselor and spiritual counselor both tell me, “Anne it is okay to cry. Let the tears go.” They watch me trying to hold the tears in. I think sometimes I want to be strong, but I need a good reminder, “It’s okay to cry.” After I do it, I feel so much better. So, why don’t I allow myself to do it when I am feeling sadness? It is hard too, to let yourself be seen while crying. Maybe it is vulnerability. But being in a trusted environment with these two individuals, I need to allow myself to cry and let all emotions be seen. My spiritual counselor says that I am melting layers on my heart. That is one way to look at it.
I remember over ten years ago now, riding around with a friend of mine. She was about thirty years older than me. She was driving and talking about her husband that had died many years ago. And she started to cry. After she was crying for a little bit, she quickly apologized for her tears. I said, “You don’t need to apologize. You just miss him. God gave us all emotions and feelings to have. And crying is one of them.” People feel this need to apologize for tears. Maybe because sometimes it can make someone feel uncomfortable, and they do not know what to say. Sometimes nothing needs to be said. Just a hug to that person crying. The pain isn’t going to go away, but you can bring some comfort to that person in that moment.
And there is a difference between being sad and depressed. Maybe that is why we sometimes “push” away sad feelings. “I don’t want to become depressed,” we say. But there is a difference, and if you have experienced the loss of a baby, you are going to be sad. How could you not be? If you are concerned about being more than just sad, please look over the link on our Support page under “The Grief and Loss Process”. Depression is very real, and if you think you are, please seek out professional help. I look over that list from time and time, just to have a “check-in” with myself. I think the thing that has helped me in my sadness this past year was talking to counselors regularly, and connecting with other mothers that have suffered the loss of a baby or babies. That helps me so much.
So, allow yourself to cry. Sometimes if you are holding it back, it can start to back up and show itself in other ways. Just let it go, and release the tears. I find when I talking to Emily and Michael, I just tell them how I feel and the tears just happen as I am talking. And it’s not the whole conversation. Just bits and parts as I talk. But I feel better after I have cried. It is normal (and healthy) to cry. Give yourself permission to not hold back. Melt those layers that are around your heart.