How Long Will This Last?

That question you may be asking yourself. How long will I feel this pain? So intense? And those around you, family and friends, may be asking that too. How long do I have watch my daughter/son, sister/brother, aunt/uncle, friend, in pain? And sometimes not knowing what to do or say?

The medical and counseling world says that grief can take anywhere up to eighteen months or two years. Gulp. That is a long time, huh? It is. But think about it. That love that you had for that baby, started way before you got that positive pregnancy test. You may have been dreaming about this baby for years. And then they were taken away so quickly. Within a blink of an eye.

I have also been told that yes, it can take that much time to really grieve, and feel some intense feelings such as shock, anger, guilt, and depression, but it is what you do with that time that matters. And that is so true.

As I was coming up on Emily’s anniversary date of February 5, 2014, I was thinking, “Okay, good. I have made it about a year. I think I am doing pretty well considering our circumstances. I even have a rainbow baby on the way.” And then, boom! It all happened again. So now, I am about two years out. Maybe longer… I don’t know.

But even if you have been able to have your rainbow baby, do you or will you still grieve? Probably. I am not saying definitely. But I know a fair amount of mothers that have lost, and then went onto having their rainbow babies. And still grieve, and think about the baby that they did not get to have here. Their babies were not replaced.

I even remember hearing a bereaved father, who lost his baby girl to stillbirth about thirty years ago. He said, “I was at a wedding recently. And I couldn’t understand why I was having such a hard time. Then I realized. Our baby girl, should have been getting married. Or even been in that wedding party.”

It does get more bearable with time. But it stays with you for life. Just as with any loss. Loss of a spouse. Loss of a marriage. Loss of dreams. These events shape you forever. They are our deep battle wounds, that stay with us forever.