I Was Doing So Well

So I thought that I would knit a little while I was at the library today. My new hobby. I felt like doing something relaxing, and I was on my way to finishing my first scarf! So I sat there… My first stitch, I messed up. Oof. Then I thought, “I can fix this…” But I made an even bigger mess. Urgh…

And then I remembered my knitting instructor say, “Stop where you are if you mess up. You could make an even bigger mess. Come in and see me.” I also heard another voice – my counselor. “Stop and be where you are, and be with it. Where you are, is right where you are supposed to be. Don’t fight away from the feelings you are having at the moment.” Frustrated. Mad. That I didn’t “get it” with this knitting thing. That I was stuck again, and had to stop. And ask for help. This happened a week ago, too.

But we do that as we are grieving. “I don’t want to feel this. We are hard on ourselves. I’ve already been down this before. I don’t want to go down this road again. The more we push it away, it is still there. It will show up later in life. Or physically manifest itself. Disease. Or this is how addictions start. Wanting to get away from the pain and sadness.

So how does this happen? A trigger it is called. A trigger is a reminder of the baby that you lost. The pain is still there, and will send you back into crying, feeling angry, guilt. You could be doing alright, or as good as can be, and then a baby shower invite comes in the mail. Or you see a baby that would have been the same age as yours. Or you hear a specific date. Even going by a baby aisle in the grocery store can set off a trigger. As hard as it is, you have to be in the moment. Feel all of it. Walk out of that grocery store, get into your car, and let the tears roll down your cheeks. Take care of yourself. Decline a shower invite if you know that it would be too hard for you, and even all involved. Do something else that day with your best friend. Go have fun. That’s okay. Again, take care of yourself. You don’t have to be “strong”. Be good to you.

I hated stopping and being in the moment of frustration (again) and confusion (again), knitting today. I was fighting it, I was fighting it. I didn’t want to give in to the feelings I was having, and say that I needed help. I was doing so well… but I needed to stop and say that I needed help. I knew the more I tried to get out of my tangled mess, the more of a mess I would make. And sometimes we just have to accept what we are feeling, and be with it.

I am hoping to get back on track with knitting in two weeks, the next time my instructor and I can meet again. But who knows, she may have something that will come up, or myself. And I then would have to be with these yucky feelings, frustration and confusion, even longer. And I will just have to learn to be patient with this process too. Oh, and realize, that I may be back in a tangled mess again. Even though I had thought I was not going to be there again.