After we lost Emily, back in February 2013, I started a journal. My husband did too. We would write in our journals, and then meet once a week, to talk about what we wrote. And to just connect. I wrote a lot last year. Almost every day. It felt good to just get it all out. Sometimes I was struggling with my husband. And why we were not grieving the same way. How something did not impact him, the way that it did for me. And we would talk about it. Other times it was a family member, or friend. Or even a stranger I would write about in my journal. Or dare I say, God. I would write to God. As to how this could have happened.
I do not journal in that book as much this time with losing Michael. But, I have this blog this time around. And it helps me. And I hope that it helps others. While really nobody comments on this blog, I know that people are reading it. We get on average about 20 users a day. And most are on the “About Us” page. Which is where our blog is located. I am okay with not getting comments. Don’t worry, I cannot see individual user names. I, myself, go onto other bereaved mothers blogs. Or click on stories on the “Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope” website. I don’t comment much, but I like reading them so that I do not feel alone. I identify with these bereaved mothers stories. And their struggles. It gives me hope. I hope that I give others hope, by reading my journal entries, that they are not alone.
I open myself up to showing all sides that go with losing a baby. And then another baby. This is real. I guess that is why Facebook is so popular. People basically journal their lives for others to see. But, the only difference is, rarely, do they show the most difficult side of their lives. Whatever it may be. Because again, as I said in an earlier post, people only want good feelings. And to show those good feelings to others. It is almost like a “bragging wall”. I chuckle. I have been guilty of that at some point. But, I have tried to post things on our Facebook wall related to us losing. Or our non-profit. And sometimes, last year, I would post things on loss in general. But, only a few would comment. So, I don’t post much on there anymore. I use this blog to talk about things. I know that if you click on this website, you truly are interested in baby loss, whether you have lost or not.
There is something cool about reading another’s diary, basically. That secret book that you would hide from others. Not wanting them to see your true thoughts and feelings. But then, you allow others to read. And you find out that you are not alone in this. That is why I am opening my book up.
This is my journal. I write in my paper journal still sometimes. But, I like sharing. Especially when it comes to this topic, that not much is written about or talked about. I am trying to do my part as I talked about in my last post, to “break the silence”. And again, to help others not feel alone.