Losing Again

I have been wanting to write again. I haven't written since August. I had all of these ideas of what I would write next. My revelations. My way of thinking and being now. But then I got busy with back-to-school things, and my blog got pushed to the side. And then something became very obvious as to what I should write next when I was ready. 

I struggled with what I should title this blog. I thought, “Sadness Returns” but that seemed heavy. I am not filled with sadness and grief as I had with Emily and Michael daily upon losing them. This was a different kind of loss. Not all consuming as it had been in the past. Sadness, yes. But more than that. I had lost again. 

Back in September, a family member died whom had struggled with cancer for eighteen months. It was very sad, and she was only in her 50's. While I was searching for her obituary, I came across another. A dear friend of mine. Sister Jeanne Marie Glorioso. I was in shock. I was sad. I cried. I even called St. Peter's Parish that Thursday evening to hear the recording to see if it was a mistake. That she was alive. But her name was not said. She was not there any longer. I cried. I talked with her. I told her how much she meant to me. That I loved her. That I missed her. 

I always had this feeling that I would not find out about Sister Jeanne dying until months later. That the church would not know to call me. I came in and out of the church. But I was sure that there were many that did the same, and came to Sister for help and guidance. It wasn't my Parish. I had it on my list to get in touch with Sister this summer. Her birthday was the end of August. I got busy with the boys going back to school, and other obligations. She died on May 29th. My oldest son's birthday. I tried to remember that weekend, and what we had done as a family. I got sad thinking that I hadn't been able to say good-bye. To tell her what a difference she had made in my life. Our lives. I met her after Emily died. I believe God led me to her because two people within days told me about her, and how she had helped mothers who had lost babies.

Sister Jeanne Marie is buried about two hours away from here. I do plan to visit her someday at her cemetery. I did tell her, until that time comes, I will talk with her at Emily and Michael's cemetery. That will be my special place to be with her as well. I thought, “Sister now gets to hold Emily and Michael. The two I talked about so much with her. How special.” I am sure that she tells them how much I love them. And how much I miss them. 

They say that some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I believe that Sister Jeanne Marie was in my life for a reason and a season. She was 77. I called her parish the next morning after I read her obituary to find out what had happened. I felt like I had just seen her, and was in wonderful health. The secretary told me that she went to Rome in March, and that the trip took a lot out of her. Upon returning back home, she discovered that she had a type of blood cancer. She battled it, and put up a fight. But only lived two months after diagnosed. I was sad that I could not be there for her this time. Sister Jeanne Marie was a wonderful lady. She helped me through so many trials, and guided me with my faith at such a fragile time in my life. I will always remember her, and never forget the many things she said and did, as she held my hand in this journey. 

I truly feel God put her in my life to help me through some tough moments. I feel that Sister is still helping me in Heaven. This past summer, I finally had gotten to a place in my grieving with Emily and Michael. Not that I was “okay” with them not being here, but that I was at a more peaceful place of acceptance that this is my new reality. This is my life. And that I did not want to grieve so heavily anymore. That I did not want Matthew and Ryan thinking that they weren't “enough”. I do feel Sister Jeanne Marie has something to do with this. She was such a gift to me, and I will always treasure our friendship. 

I am not sure what the days hold in the future. I am not even quite sure I have fully accepted that Sister has died. Perhaps I am still in shock. I am not sure. It is a different kind of feeling. I did not get to see her, say good-bye. It almost does not feel real. I know that it is though. I guess I will allow myself, give myself permission to just “be”. To not predict how I will be, or should be. Just let the days continue on. And if I need to cry, it's okay. She used to say, “It's letting all of those layers around your heart melt.” I've learned so much from her that I believe will help in my grieving of her. I am blessed to have known her, and to have been able to have shared part of my life with her. God bless you always, Sister Jeanne Marie. You will always be a part of my life, and will be forever in my heart.