We are on the eve of Michael’s due date, August 5th. I haven’t prayed a whole lot this year, but I just got down on my knees to talk to Michael. To let him know that I miss him. And that I wish we were getting ready to go to the hospital to have him delivered. I asked Emily to take extra care of him tomorrow. I told them that we would have had so much fun together, the four of them kids, here on Earth. I said it would have been chaotic at times, but we would have had lots of fun. We would have had so much love to give. I told Michael that his brothers, Matthew and Ryan, would have taken good care of him.
I try to imagine what Michael looks like from time to time. I always get this image of him about five years old. Maybe a little older. With dark, wavy hair. About down to his ears. And a little bit of freckles. I think he looks the most like my husband, of all the kids, when he was younger. I could be totally wrong, but that is how I see him. I did have a dream the other night. I talked about wanting a dream of Emily and Michael I believe in my last entry. So I had one. There was this older girl, and other person. And they were going on a rocket ship sort of thing. They asked if I wanted to go with them. They said I could see Emily and Michael. I said, “Yes”. I was so excited that I would be able to finally see Emily and Michael. Then they went onto say that I would not be back for a month. Then someone else spoke up and said that I would never come back if I got on. I got very sad in this dream at that moment. And I said, “I can’t. I can’t leave Matthew and Ryan. I will see Emily and Michael someday, but I can’t leave Matthew and Ryan.” And that was it. The end of my dream.
It was the first dream I have had since losing Michael that Emily and Michael were talked about that I can remember. It was exciting. But it also made me realize that maybe I will have to wait until I die someday to really see them. I hope that I am wrong, and that I get to see them in a dream earlier. But it could also be my dream saying that I have such love for all four of my children. But I know that Emily and Michael are okay. And I want to be here for Matthew and Ryan for as long as I can.
These anniversaries and due dates are hard. There is such apprehension leading up to these days. Part of me wanted this day to be here a long time ago. The build up of it. It is more bearable to see pregnant women after these due dates because I would no longer be pregnant. The thoughts of, “I would be eight months pregnant,” go away. But then they are replaced with, “Michael would be one month old now,” and so on.
For Emily’s first last week, my husband, Matthew and Ryan, and I, brought up balloons to her. And sang, “Happy Birthday,” to her with cupcakes, candles and all. The boys also picked flowers from our garden and brought them up to her (and Michael). It was quite a moment. We have plans to do the same thing for Michael tomorrow. It’s hard. It’s just hard.
My life continues to change and evolve into something I never thought it would look like. I am trying to make peace with what is, not what isn’t. Or what I thought it was going to be. I am blessed with our two boys here. But there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Emily and Michael, and wish so badly that they were here. I don’t know why we weren’t able to have them longer. That is hard.
Michael, I only wish that I could be holding you in my arms tomorrow. And looking into your eyes, and seeing what you look like. Just to hold you, and give you kisses. You would have been so loved. I miss you. Please be sure to get extra kisses and hugs from your sister, Emily, tomorrow. I love you.