I have not written on here in a while, so I figured that it was time. I think the last time I wrote on here it was hard. Remembering those days in February. Putting my thoughts and feelings on paper. Or a computer screen. Such raw emotions with that. I think that I just needed to take a break. And I guess that is what I did.
Mother’s Day. It has come and gone. It is such a special day in which we recognize our mothers. For us that have lost, many emotions and thoughts can surface. “What would this day have looked like had they been here?” “I never thought in a million years, this is how it would be.” “I still do not understand what exactly happened, and why?” For those with living children here, it is bittersweet. I have heard that word said to me many times this past Mother’s Day. And it is so true. I spent the day with our boys, Matthew and Ryan. I am so thankful and grateful for them. I thank God for them every day. But at the end of the day, I visited our Emily and Michael at the cemetery. I contemplated whether I should just go another day. After a few minutes of going over this in my head I said, “I am their mother. It is Mother’s Day. And I want to spend time with my other two babies in Heaven.” And so I went out there. I am glad that I did. There are really four days throughout the year that I really feel this need to be there no matter what. Emily’s birthday, Michael’s birthday, Christmas, and Mother’s Day. I think Christmas because that is another “bittersweet” day. I was pregnant with both Emily and Michael during Christmas. I remember this beautiful, soft snowfall falling that Christmas Eve with Emily. And Michael, I had just seen and heard his heartbeat two days prior to Christmas. Plus, Christmas is the time for family and thanksgiving. Just a beautiful time of the year. I cannot imagine not spending time with Emily and Michael on that day.
So, back to Mother’s Day. It is a day we remember and celebrate our mothers here. For some, they are already above in Heaven. And also where we are celebrated for being moms ourselves. I remember hearing stories the year Emily died, where some mothers were conflicted about being mothers themselves after losing their babies. These were moms that did not have living children here. And said, ” I am a mom, but my baby is not here and it is hard. Kind of feel torn as to what to feel as a mother without her baby physically here.” I can only imagine how they were feeling. I don’t know how to say it, but know in your heart that you are always a mother whether your baby is here or above. A mother’s love is always constant and never dies. It is forever. That is something to celebrate. Your heart would not ache, if there wasn’t love. Your love for your baby is forever, and I like to think that they know it and feel it too.
Being a mother, we need to celebrate – us. That is hard sometimes when you feel like you somehow were a reason as to why your baby is not here. The guilt. I have suffered through these feelings. Maybe it was something I did, or did not do. There has to be a reason. I struggle with this from time to time. I think that is normal. It becomes less and less, as time goes on. As a mother, you like to think that you can prevent and control anything, when it comes to harm and your baby or babies and keeping them safe. You are “mama bear” and will protect your young cubs at any costs. It is such a struggle to see that some things are just out of your control. That is the hard part of – letting go. And finding peace. Somehow we have to find peace and comfort in knowing that we did our best. We would have chosen life for our babies here, if we were given a choice. But we weren’t. In the meantime, we need to take care of ourselves, rather than “beat up on ourselves”. Take care of you this Mother’s Day. And maybe make the whole month of May to be better to you. Not just a day. Start exercising. Meditate once a day. Journal and pray. Soak in a bubble bath, and paint your nails. Meet up with a friend who can truly relate and validate the feelings you are having. Talk to a counselor that will understand you. Take care of you. Because if you do not take care of you, who will?
This Mother’s Day, remember our mothers. Remember our babies. Once a mother, always a mother. That title does not get taken away. Remember, they are always yours. That love is constant. And also remember, to take care of that person – that mother – you. Maybe make a list of things that help you feel loved, that are in your control. And try to just do a few things a week, until eventually it becomes a part of your routine. I sometimes put myself last, and say, “If I have time I will exercise today.” Put yourself first on that list. Because you are so very important. Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mothers out there. God bless you.