I have to tell you, I struggle. With prayer. With God. With my faith. I didn’t as much with our first loss. Emily. But this time around I do. I wish I didn’t. I felt more balanced in my life last year, ironically. I was upset with God for a very short time last year. And it was after our baby girl’s due date. But with our recent loss in February, I really haven’t sought out God since then.

Am I upset? Yeah, I am. I think that I was in denial with it. How could I be mad at God? God has been so amazingly wonderful to me. I have a great life. But I guess it was a month after our baby boy died, that I heard about the “minivan mom” in Florida, trying to drown her kids in the ocean while still in their car. Obviously the woman was very sick in the head. Still, I had a hard time with it all. God, you are all-powerful and you allowed this women to have kids? Yet I keep getting pregnant, and you keep allowing my babies to die? It just didn’t make sense. I started to get judgmental. We all think of these deep, life questions at some point in our lives as it is. The couple that can never get pregnant, and then we hear the horrible stories on television that turn our stomachs as to what some parents do to their children. Where is God in all of this?

I started to be at “odds” with God through our second loss. I would be lying if I didn’t say that I still am on some levels. We had so many people praying for us this time around. Saying  the Christmas Novena through the holidays. Lighting candles for us. I prayed every single day for our baby. I think I blessed our baby with Holy Water almost every day, if not all. I had a piece of Padre Pio’s hanker chief laid on top of my belly while a very dear nun, and I prayed for our baby’s health, pregnancy, labor and delivery. So when I got to 14 weeks, and found out our baby died, I thought, “Where is God in all of this?”

I hear of stories of people where prayer is answered. And it gives you hope. But, I also hear of stories that prayer is not answered. So, it brings up a question, “Why do we pray? To control God and outcomes?” I would again be lying if I didn’t say that while there was a part of me that knew it could happen again, I didn’t think that it would. I was praying all of the time. Others were. We were bringing others “hope” with this baby. God wouldn’t allow it this time. But He did.

So where does that leave me? What is prayer’s purpose? To communicate with God. But to know that God is in control at the end of the day. He is always is. And always will be. That is hard to accept. We are taught that if you work hard, you can do anything. But there are some things in our life that are just out of our control. And then we have to somehow learn to accept and embrace it. My prayer is that I can learn to do just that. And to trust God with my whole heart.