I would have never known what those letters meant, had I not become a part of this population. RPL stands for “Recurrent Pregnancy Loss”. We became a part of a crowd that we did not want to last year with losing Emily. Never in a million years did we think it would happen. This year, we became a part of another club we did not want to join with losing Michael. Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.

I went to a doctor’s appointment recently. Another one. I have had many blood draws, scans, and doctors appointments since losing Emily fifteen months ago. And continued with more after losing Michael. It gets to be exhausting. But, if there is a reason as to why this keeps happening, I want to find out. Why do we keep losing in our second trimester, when we have had two full-term pregnancies without complications? At all? Matthew was born on his due date. And Ryan, three days after his. So, what is going on? 

We have met with two of the best hospitals in the world, and both specialists have said, “We don’t know.” The one that we met with recently said that “there is a reason, but we just aren’t smart enough to figure it out.” Actually he said, “We are too dumb too figure it out.”  He then followed with that we, Chris and I, are in a “gray zone”. Continuing on saying, “With most losses, before 12 weeks and after 20 weeks, we can pretty much figure out what happened.” But in our case, as with others that lose between 12-20 weeks, a reason may not always be found. He said that in half of all recurrent losses, they can’t find a reason. And just try different things, to see if a different outcome can happen. A baby to bring home. But, even with trying different things, sometimes it happens again. Your baby could die. 

I have read, and have it posted on our website that one in four babies will die. With losing Emily, we were in a 5% category losing in our second trimester. Then with losing Michael, we became 1-2%. Then with what the doctor said the other day, we became that less than 1%. So, when somebody says there is such a small chance at something, I think, there still is a chance. I don’t put my “blinders” up. We were told when we lost Emily, that most couples go onto having a rainbow baby after a loss. And that we would be okay. That did not happen for us. Once you become a part of a statistic that you never thought you would be, it changes the way you approach life. And the possibility of bringing another life into this world.

I had a hard time finding books and support when we lost Emily last year. That is why we created this website of resources. I have found it to be even harder to find information since losing Michael. You can feel even more alone. Like, does this happen to anyone else? Am I the only one? In the coming days I do hope to create a section on RPL to help others that have to become a part of this other crowd sadly.    

We still aren’t sure what is to be for us. It was hard enough taking that “jump” off a cliff, holding hands, not knowing how deep the water would be below us, when we got pregnant with Michael. It is a very hard thing to do, once you have lost. To trust and hope that you will have a baby to bring home this time around. So, with that not happening, again, it makes it even harder. I have heard of couples that experienced two losses in a row, and then went onto having a baby here. But, I have also heard of couples that have had more than that. Five or eight in a row. Some that still do not have their rainbow baby. Some that do. The excitement and the possibility of having a baby, and all that goes with it, is supposed to be fun and mostly good feelings. But once this happens, it changes everything.