So I debated the title of this blog entry. Should I say, “Throwing That Plate”, or “Anger”? Both are eye-catching. But nothing paints a picture like the first one. Don’t you think?
I met with my friend, the dear nun, recently, who has been guiding me, and helping me greatly this past year. We starting talking about anger. It was after I read my letter to God, to her. Finally. I had said that I would write one to God for the past three or so months. I finally got up the nerve to do it. She said after I finished reading it, “You’re angry. And that is okay. Go throw some old dishes. The important thing is, you let it out.” I looked at her and said, “I did Sister. Last year I did. I threw a plate across the room, and it shattered. And then another day I punched my hand into a wall. And left an indentation. I looked over at my husband, and said, ‘I am sorry for that.’ He said, ‘You’re lucky you didn’t break your wrist or hand.’ And I replied, ‘I don’t care’.” I chuckled as I bravely admitted all of this to my dear friend who is a nun. She didn’t flinch or blink an eye. She said, “Good. You are getting it all out. You have to get it out.” And continued on with, “Do you have a dart board?” I laughed some more. It felt good to laugh.
It also felt good not to feel judged. Or feel like I was crazy. Those were my two “oh my gosh, did I really do that?” moments this past year. My boys luckily did not see either. Thank goodness. But it did feel good to do those things in the moment. That is how much pain is deep inside of you after losing a baby. That it would make you want to punch a wall. Literally. I am sure that I am not the first to do that.
I did tell my friend, the nun, that this time around I am trying to be a little bit more healthy in dealing with my anger. I said I found a hobby. Decorating. I am hammering that nail everywhere, and making our house beautiful. And it feels good to hit that nailhead. She encouraged me, and said, “Good for you, Anne”. And continued with, “Get a piece of wood. Hammer a bunch of nails into it. Get it all out.” I also started on my bucket list of things that I have always wanted to do. Sewing. Knitting. I don’t want to look back some day, and say that “I wish I would have”. I know I am a young age of 35. But still, do any of us know really how much time we have? I don’t have to answer that question.
I am trying to let out all of my anger in a healthy way. I have even thought of boxing. While also building confidence within myself of things that I can control. Learning something new. I have already sewn a make-up bag, and am knitting a scarf at the present moment.
I guess my point in writing that title of this blog that way was to catch your eye. And also so that you would read this and not feel alone in your anger. It’s normal, and that’s okay. Just go get that dartboard.